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Like all good things

Dear Journal,

Never mind. The flower died. In fact, it wasn't actually a flower. Do you know that there is a species of weeds that look like actual flowers? Yeah, that flower must be one of those.

Anyway, life goes on. My leaves are still swinging in the breeze and I shall live to see many moons ahead. I will come to you when a season has passed. Until then, my friend.


Flower Buds

Dear Journal,

I do not know how I am to articulate the situation I am currently in other than to say that I may have found a small but noticeable little flower bud upon one of my numerous branches.

You must understand that it is a miraculous find for me as I have never in many moons had grown such a thing. I have never felt so much joy. Though, I must admit that I do fear for the well being of the dainty little growth.

I believe that I must be wary of it, lest it withers and dies away. I have grown to treasure its presence now.

Pray that it blooms, dear friend.

Til next time with Love,


Dear Journal,

Remember that light at the end of the tunnel I told you about? I'm having trouble deciding whether if it is real or not. It is bright. It is beautiful. It feels like it's just right in front of me. I feel like reaching out to it - to feel its warmth, to embrace the comfort it has to offer, but I am finding it hard to let myself do it. I am afraid that it's just a mirage.

As much as I'd like to get out of this tunnel, I really don't want to abandon the doomed train I have become very accustomed to. Somehow, I feel safe on this train. I can't hurt myself so long as I am on it.

I don't know what to do, Journal.

I just don't know.

I am not dead...but I might as well be.

Dear Journal,

I am not dead.

But I feel like I'm on my way towards it.

Though, I think I'm seeing a little flickering light in the distance.

It's gonna take some time until I get to the end of the tunnel, though.

We'll see how everything goes.

Empty Nest

Dear Journal,

In a few days time, I, your ever-so-faithful friend, shall, once again, spread my wings and travel to a place unknown, where I will begin to serve my time as a National Service trainee. Hence, this, unfortunately, means that I must, yet again, abandon you, my friend and I am as bewildered and as broken as you are at the moment.

I must say, though, that this is a good omen. Well, at least, that is what I have been trying to convince myself to think, because thinking of it that way may help to make it look like a lesser burden, even though, deep inside, I still do see this as a concealed punishment for the fact that I have never taken part in any endeavours that might have not let me be chosen by fate to become part of this destiny.

But, frankly, it feels liberating to know that I will, and I'm absolutely sure of it, reap from the lands of this unknown destination and that the reapings shall do me such wonders, and might as well, abstain me from my current days of nothingness and monotony.

Such as the plot of my life is leading to.

Thus, I must tell you that though I shall be leagues away from you, in body, I will always by your side, in mind. I still need you, dear friend. Do not fail me.

Til next time with Love,

I'm sorry

Dear Journal,

I'm sorry but you have to know that I am entitled to what I use you for. I do understand if you are uncomfortable with what I have to say here but nevertheless, I am the owner of this space and I can write whatever the hell I want here.

So, here it goes:

1. I ship Marvel's Loki and Sif. I often imagine they used to have a covert little relationship back when they were young, before the days towards Thor's coronation. But I couldn't imagine how their relationship ended. Maybe, in their countless battles together, Thor saw beyond what others saw in Sif, that she was a fierce warrior, far more adequate and dangerous than what he'd previously thought. He rooted for her and brought her to her current status. Sif was thankful, but up to a point where she found herself falling for Thor. So, because of this, her relationship with Loki started to slowly die and Loki realized that. Every time he'd ask what was bothering her, she'd say that it was nothing and that she loved him, but Loki, being the god of mischief and lies, knew that she didn't.
 So, maybe, out of jealousy, Loki did something to make Sif leave him because he felt betrayed. Every time I watched Thor, I could see the looks Sif gives Loki and realize that what Loki did had caused Sif to somehow resent him.

2. I got everything I asked for in Thor: The Dark World - Loki in chains, the relationship between Loki and Frigga...I am thankful, but don't get me wrong when I say that something was missing. I still wanted Sigyn to appear. Maybe as a spectator, some where in the crowd, hidden but still quite visible to the point where people would know who she was. The wife of the god of mischief, the goddess of fidelity. I wanted that, so much because I'd like Loki, who feels as if he is loved by no one, to know that he is indeed loved above all the heinous crimes he's commited. But I guess that was Frigga's role.

 Still, a little Loki/Sigyn wouldn't hurt, would it?

3. I was the only one in the family who knew that Loki could never die because he'd make arrangements to revive him every time he does. But I can't lie that I almost cried when I watched the scene where Loki was dying in Thor's arms.....and almost screamed of happiness and pure joy when he appeared to be well alive at the end of the movie.

 You really can' trust Marvel Films for accuracy. You really can't.

4. I don't ship FrostIron. Really, I don't. I don't know what other people saw in that little scene between Loki and Tony Stark in The Avengers. I just don't get it.

5. But I do ship IronHulk, though. I mean, c'mon, IT'S FRIGGIN CANON! Don't tell me that people didn't notice how excited Tony Stark was when he met Bruce Banner for the first time and that little invitation to Stark Tower - that was slick! And Stark going off with Banner at the end of the movie. Move over Pepper!



Til' next time,


Inspired by a story that could've almost been true:

 "Oh, God, why is she so blind?"

 Nick was sitting among a large crowd of students, all of whom were either absorbed in their books or chatting nonchalantly with each other, paying no heed to the task in hand. It was Saturday - a day designated for none other than Physics class for the whole class of 2012, which was Nick's class. Like his peers, Nick's attention was not directed to the set of questions which lay untouched before him. His gaze was instead averted to a person, who was sitting two tables ahead of him.

 Penelope was laughing, clearly having a ball with her classmates, discussing how funny it was when teachers get some of the facts wrong or happened to stumble upon the wrong to describe a delicate subject. She, too, was emulating the actions of her friends, but it did not matter much to her, Nick thought. She had always been an A student, a potential valedictorian, if she wanted to be one.

 ''Nick? Hello, is anybody home in there?''

 A hit to the head by a paper ball took Nick out of his thoughts. ''What do you want, Ivy?'' he said in response to the rude wake up call.

 "Oh, he speaks! For a minute there, I thought Physics had taken away your vital abilities!" chuckled I vy, who was sitting in front of him. She looked down at the table, at the perfectly empty answer sheet in front of her classmate. ''But something is clearly distracting you.'' Immediately, she scanned the lot of students who sat behind her - a notion she knew would lead her to the answer to her question, judging by where Nick was sitting.

 "You know, you should really talk to her." she said, shifting in her seat. 'It's time to have that talk again.' she thought.

''What do you mean, 'talk to her'? I talk to her everyday!" The rebuttal made Nick's other classmates turn to look at him, which forced him to lean towards the table and whispered, ''I talk to her all the time."

 "Oh, you know what I mean, Romeo," replied Ivy, who copied Nick's decision to lower her head. "Tell her you like her, as in, like like
her.'' She emphasized the 'likes' to make sure Nick could get the meaning of them into his thick skull, as she often said he had.

 "But I've done everything - I've been super nice to her, I've been so loyal, so patient with all her faults, heck, I even called her 'beautiful' once!" Nick was careful to keep his voice down, despite his frustration. It was true - he had done everything but all of his efforts proved to be fruitless. Penelope was oblivious to all of them, which sometime drove Nick up the wall with disappointment.

 "That's exactly why you have to tell her! Gosh, why are you so stubborn?!" Ivy leaned back in her seat out of annoyance. She wondered how she managed to tolerate Nick's stubbornness and still be his best friend ever since they met in elementary school.

 "What if she says 'no'?'' Nick asked, his tone sombre and sad.

 "What if she says 'yes'?'' Ivy countered with a raised eyebrow. The bell in the hall rang, which was followed by the hurried and chaotic shuffle of books, chairs and footsteps. Physics class was over - and so was Ivy's patience. She left the moping Nick the second she had space to move out her chair.

 Nick sat in his chair with his face pushed against the table surface. He contemplated Ivy's last words to him.

 "No,'' he thought, ''She'll never say 'yes'.''

 ''Nick,'' said a voice he knew very well. Nick lifted his head to face the person in front of him. He expected to see Penelope holding her books tight against her chest, which was her usual image. Instead, he only saw her put a cupcake in front of him. In the middle of the cupcake, was a single candle. A small but bright flame was flickering on top of its wick.

 ''I baked this last night. I didn't know what flavour you'd like best, so, I used blueberry, because, you know, it's my favourite.'' she said, sheepishly.

 Nick only smiled at the cupcake, even though it was not evenly frosted and could potentially be poorly baked, considering what Penelope had said about her being terrible in the kitchen. This was one of the reasons why he was in love with her - not because of her unreliability in the kitchen, but because she would go to lengths to make other people feel treasured, which made Nick feel special and appreciated. To him, no one has ever treated him the way Penelope did.

 "What's the occasion?'' he asked.

 ''Your birthday, silly!" Penelope exclaimed, surprised at Nick's oblivion.

 Nick was dumbfounded. How could he have not remembered that it was his birthday? Even Ivy did not say anything to him today.

 "I forgot that it was my birthday today.'' He laughed at his own forgetfulness.

 "Now make a wish and blow out the candle."

 "Make a wish?" Nick thought. He closed his eyes and thought long and hard. Finally, he took a deep breath and blew out the candle.

 "Yay!" Penelope applauded. "So, what did you wish for?''

 "For the girl of my dreams to say 'yes' when I ask her to be my girlfriend.'' Nick's heart almost stopped when he finished his sentence. He could not believe what he had said. 'There's no turning back now,' he said in his head.

 "Wow, ... that was really well thought-out.'' Penelope was shocked by Nick's wish. She thought of things to say next. A long silence followed before one of them spoke again.

 ''If you don't mind, can I know who she is?''

 Nick's heart could not have beaten harder than it did at the moment. He felt the adrenalin rush through his veins as he thought of the answer he should give. To tell her the truth could end up in him taking his relationship with Penelope to next level or result in him scarring their friendship - a possibility that Nick strongly counted on.

 "You." he answered.

 Penelope felt a chill run up her spine and leaned into her chair. Nick saw the expression on Penelope's face. "This is it," he thought and prepared himself for the worst.

 Then, Nick saw something he did not expect to see. Penelope was crying. Tears rolled down her pink cheeks like tiny streams of crystal beads.

 "Yes." Penelope was smiling as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Do you know how long I waited for you to say that?'' she sputtered behind her tears.

"Does it even matter now?" said Nick, jokingly. He caught Penelope's hand and wiped her tears with his thumb. If only she knew how much he was rejoicing the moment. Ivy was right - what if she says 'yes'?


Dec. 5th, 2013

I'd like to say we gave it a try
I'd like to blame it all on life
Maybe we just weren't right
That's a lie
That's a lie

And we can deny it as much as we want
But in time our feelings will show
'Cause sooner or later
We'll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart
But right here in each other's arms

Here we almost
We almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough

If I could change the world overnight
There would be no such things as goodbye
You would be right where you were
And we'd get the chance we deserve

We can try to deny it as much as we want
But in time our feelings will show
'Cause sooner or later
We'll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost is never enough
We're so close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart
But right here in each other's arms

Here we almost
We almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough...

Sep. 20th, 2013

Dearest Journal,

' The most exquisite piece of music could not have sounded more beautiful than his voice. It was the sweetest sound in the entire universe, deep and smooth and rolling off his tongue like he had said it to himself many times before. Nothing sounded better than my name on his lips, rolling out of his throat like it was the most precious word he’d ever spoken.' - Anonymous

No words, not even a single syllable can describe how much love I feel for this description of one's voice. It's exactly the way I'd describe his voice, saying my name.

Sigh. The things I'd give away to have that to happen once more. Just once.

It's hard having something you treasure be taken away from you and to have it haunt you in the very moments that you need all the focus and concentration you could muster....and to know that all of this is all your own fault.

Dear Journal,


It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you understand that it's the usual things that's been keeping us apart. Hogwarts can be a bit of a bitch sometimes.

I can be a bit of a bitch sometimes. I'm sorry, Journal. I truly am.

But, anyways, let's catch up, shall we?

I'm currently on the second week of my two-week Eid semester break. And also, I'll be facing THE BIGGEST EXAM IN MY LIFE STRAIGHT AFTER THE BREAK. Well, it's just a trial exam, but it's the exam that will decide whether or not I will be selected for a scholarship and you do know how big a scholarship is to everyone, don't you? And guess what? I AM FAR FROM READY TO EVEN TAKE THE FIRST PAPER. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.

Secondly, I need professional help. I have found myself to be half-addicted to smut. It's disgusting and it's shaped my mind into being this repulsive mass of crumples that I'd give anything to have be removed from the cavity of my skull. I can't even simply watch the telly any more. It is really not comfortable.

Thirdly, I have lost any will to sing any longer due to the little skill that I posses in the field and I have heard way too many ordinary people sing ten times as better than I can. I have been contemplating about taking vocal classes after I finish school, but then I go to think about the finances and the commitment that I have to my further studies, that is, if I even get to further my studies. It's depressing when you don't know how to do the things you love to do. Maybe I can get a job and use my wage to pay for the classes. Maybe.

Fourthly, I have a step-cousin who got married recently and I've been spending Eid with her and her husband. It was, to put it honestly, torture. They look so happy together and I've never seen her so happy... Waiting sucks, but taking matters into my own hands is even worse. *insert random cuss word*

Anyway, I guess that's it. That's pretty much what I have now for you, Journal. I promise I'll come back if I have anything more. That is if I'm still here. Don't worry, your physical other half is doing a fine job, even though I haven't been using her like I should. The Muses are angry with me, again. I'll never get them and their bipolar moods.

Til we meet again, Love.


P.S. No one's gonna remember my birthday. Don't ask.


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